Old Pains Well Up

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Today was another long run. This week has been an interesting week for my training. My Wednesday run was great. I felt great and I ran hard and well. At this point I started going down hill, which I don't mean in a literal sense.

As most of you know, I underwent surgery on my ankle a couple of years ago due to a stretched ligament. The ligament was repaired and I have a wonderful scar in the shape of a river running across my left ankle bone. Up until now my ankle has been doing great since the surgery. However, now that I'm getting into higher miles and harder runs it's beginning to irritate me again, more than just physical. I spoke to the sports medicine clinic next door and was instructed to again use the brace given me upon release from my cast after surgery. It helps and hurts at the same time.

As only some of you know, I also suffered from slight asthma as a child. I had since given up my inhaler, but have recently found myself with a new (and horridly more expensive) one since beginning my training. My anxiety disorder adds a great deal to this as when I begin to gasp for breath my brain puts me in a panic. Panic does not help breathing. At all. Ever.

So, with these two complications I have run into an over-all new problem with my training. I'm having to fight more for my goals than anticipated. Today's run was perhaps one of the most difficult physical challenges I've ever had to endure. In the beginning my ankle was having to warm up. When it does this I get to feel various pains at various levels and occasionally must stop and stand like a stork to give it a rest. Once my ankle had quieted my asthma decided to act up. It is allergy season in Waco and this morning it was also raining. Bad for the lungs in both cases. I found myself having to walk most of the course because my lungs couldn't take it. Meanwhile my legs were annoyed at being unable to move at their desired pace. I suffered a couple of minor asthma attacks and was told by my trainer that I am no longer allowed to attempt to run uphill, only down.

With these struggles I've found myself quite discouraged. I started out with the intent to run a marathon. When I can't even go five miles without some sort of physical ailment dragging me down I feel like a failure. I made a promise not only to those who have generously sponsored me, but to those for whom I am running this race. If I fail it is not just failing myself. It's a very sobering thought.

The thing is, I can't fail. For better or worse I generally refuse to fail at anything. I am stubborn and hard-headed. I have a goal and I will reach it. I will endure the physical and mental ailments that come with this training because I made a promise. I made a promise to those who are supporting me. I made a promise to Paul and Karen. I made a promise to Dennis and Charlotte. I made a promise to all of those who have suffered from cancer. I will do this for them.

I will cross the finish.